OPERATION: world

Well just falling apart. My worries are unfounded and so are my frustrations, but that does not seem to get rid of them. When things start going bad they all seem to converge in the same time frame. I have fallen off, near completely and I'm worried about this summer. The moment when you feel your dreams in life may be changing. Everything has been more or less handed to me so far in life but now I have to go out and make something of myself. This is the point where I realize that I've fallen short. Not a week goes by that someone doesn't say "Why do you work at United you have an accounting degree?" To this I have no complete answer. Obviously I guess I aim low in life and hope to be fulfilled when I surpass my mark, but this is a bad way to go about life I'm starting to notice. I do have some talents, God has gifted me with an above average knack for math related topics. My relational skills with people are sub-par though partly because I'm rarely around people. I really feel like I just wander around not taking any particular heed to anything just kind of moping around. Place to place I am an observer watching people and how they act, criticizing them in my mind. I'm not much to say anything I usually have to think through my thoughts to say something that makes sense. Its a strange world I live in, viewing parking lots cracked and growing grass. I woke up at 6 am this morning no one does that sort of thing. I wish I didn't think so much. Reminds me of a poster I saw in high school it said, "sometimes I sits and thinks, other times I just sits". Well yeah that's my life. Nothing spiritual this post.

Two nights ago on Wednesday at about 10 pm I was waking up to play some poker. I had a full day planned of playing poker, well actually only 3/4 of a full day (18 hours). When I was taking my shower Matt was trying to explain something to me. After I got out he said that our neighbor had been murdered. There were tons of cop cars and an ambulance along with some police tape. It was a crime scene basically. We didn't know the guy but that didn't stop the reporters from ringing our door bell and asking us questions on Thursday. By far the best though was when Officer Martinez talked to my roommate and I. He was a detective and I made sure I asked "So you are a real detective aren't you?" I was impressed he took down some statements to solve this murder mystery but I know we were of no help. Besides him though there were people from the AJ, and at least 3 news stations that asked us interview questions and such. His name was Rex and he lived two houses down and he was shot multiple times in the head and chest. We live at 2311 60th and his was 2307. Well below are some pictures of the house. So its a link because the pictures aren't posting correctly

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y137/thisonelife/Apr2153.jpg

reporter's interview station right outside of house

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y137/thisonelife/Apr2257.jpg

the house two door's down

well that's all for this post. Oh and I won the bonus I was playing for receiving first place winning $200.

Yep.

Again wow my fantasy baseball team is getting smashed. I'm in a league with Dusty, Nate, Nathan and some other guys related to Southcrest. The score this week was 8-1 so far some relief will come tonight as I have 4 pitchers starting. R. Bell having an ERA of 67 didn't really help my team out too much considering the avg ERA for my pitchers is around 3.5.

I've been listening to music for a ridiculous large amount of the past month. Seriously if you can match the intensity of my music listening abilities I'd like to see you try. Here are the songs I'm listening to as of late. Well its too many to type out but the new Lifehouse CD (Lifehouse, Stanley Climbfall), Watermark (Constant, Watermark, The Purest Place, All Things New), MercyMe (Spoken For, Almost There) , Relient K (Mmhmmm, Two Lefts Don't Make a Right But Three Do), Passion Worship Band (How Great is Our God, Passion 05, Hymns Ancient & Modern), Stavesacre (Speakeasy), Jars of Clay (Redemption Songs, Who We are Instead), Point of Grace (I Choose You), Jack Johnson (In Between Dreams), Oasis (What's the Story Morning Glory?), Foo Fighters (One by One, There is Nothing Left to Lose), Holland (Photographs and Tidalwaves), Iron and Wine (Our Endless Numbered Days), The Postal Service (Give Up).

I've listened to the above at least 4 times for some titles and others about 15, no lie.

I haven't talked to either of my parents in about a month I wonder if they are doing alright.
I went to one of the last Bible studies of the semester this past evening at the Hubiks house. I enjoyed Drew's leading and will undoubtedly miss having him and Jordan around.
I received my second support letter from friends and am still expecting at least 2 more possibly 5. So me knowing I only make $1200 a month have some decisions and prayers to make accordingly. Perhaps I could send out my own support letters to support others. I truly do want to help out as much as possibly financially plausible given every aspect of the situation I'm currently in. Student loan collectors start mailing me next month and I already have a small portion of debt on my credit card ($1300) and a small car loan ($3000). So yes unfortunately the only way I can show my financial situation is in the form of a small check to each of the people I plan on supporting. But then I feel bad and they feel like I gilted them. So I'm going to wait for all the letters to come my way and start collecting my funds. And then added on to this I feel really bad for having lost a bit of money I planned on giving to online poker.

I was up $75 and cashed out I rebought the next day for $50 and succinctly lost it, waited another day bought $50 and slowly lost it. So yes I'm frustrated with myself for my financial decisions. So the best idea is to find a "real" job where income is more than $1200 a month. This is probably living below the poverty line in America. A side note on poker, I'm still up for the year a few hundred dollars, this however was the worst setback I've incurred to date and it only amounted to a net loss of around $25. Still severely disappointed though I am.

About a real job. I started a profile on monster.com and very soon will start seriously looking for a job. I need to develop a basic cover letter that I can adapt to different employers and do a better job at selling myself which currently I suck at. I like the facts and the fact is my GPA sucked and I could have worked harder in school. I let down Tech and myself however I will work my butt off if ever I get a "real" job. I work tremendously hard for my current employer United but they can't afford to pay me a higher wage. Also I don't have a clue about accounting which is what I graduated with, I'm a lost cause. Basically put these things are a barrier to employment, I had too many misconceptions about school and now its over.

Umm...anything else I've been thinking about? Oh I'm at a loss as to what to do when I meet with Victor. We are supposedly supposed to meet for accountability but if we aren't there to discuss our former sin nature and its effect on us still then I'm not sure what to talk about. I already go to a Bible study I need someone to hold me accountable for the sins I commit and ask me some tough questions accordingly. So yeah that's about it.

I need to set up a time to talk with a co-worker Alex, he's going out of town this weekend but maybe on Thurday afternoon I can meet him for lunch.

End.

Yeah not a good idea to put the Title first now I have to try and defend the title by an appropriating entry. But this is my life, so it shouldn't be that hard, well except the question mark I don't really know what that is all about.

More so its 4am. Not a bad time if I say so myself, I'm not tired or anything so I was just changing the colors on my blog and I decided to update myself on my life. In first person of course, 3rd person would be way to weird.

Begin.

I want to write but not about anything in particular. So random thoughts shall emerge. I went on a date Friday night. It had been previously a year or so since my last date so it was refreshing in a way. However I'm definitely socially inept in more ways than one. Partly I need a group of friends to hang around to become more conversational. This has always been an issue of mine, I'm good with a meditated thought out bit of words, but speaking on the spot in normal convo is just strange to me. It probably comes out choppy and disconnected like I am. EG. prayer is just about the same way. So during the date I practically have no idea who she is and was constantly trying to conversate in a normal way which was basically impossible. So I looked confused for probably half of the night and the other half I most likely asked random disconnected questions. The place I took her to eat at was, looking back at it, not a place to take dates. Then I beat her at Putt-Putt and Go-Carts and punished her for losing by picking a terrible flavored ice cream for her to eat (winner choses flavor). So I asked her for a second date on Sunday and naturally she said "no" like any sane individual would. So yeah no surprise.

Reflecting back on it it seems that I'm inadequate to date persons of her nature soI need to do some things differently. One idea I had was just not to date but then I decided that waiting a year was more than enough and I would probably like to date. Other ideas, learn to conversate, lower my standards, go to date places, act different than I am....But yeah I guess the deal is I was maybe trying to force something. I need to be in a natural setting and I'd be a better judge of attraction; a setting of friends and friendships. A setting that I'm not in currently.

to keep this post this long i'll probably type another post unrelated to the first

I guess in a way we are all homeless. And in many other respects Christians in general are Homesick or should be. My home as I would call it growing up was in Amarillo. When I'm in Amarillo I might drive by it to revive a memory but my family no longer lives there. There's also the saying that home is where the heart is, for me maybe that's South Carolina, my friend its the Northeast. But in reality even the home I live in now is not my own, I rent a bedroom of it basically. My dad moved to Houston whilst I was in college so now my home is supposedly South Houston. I've lived in Florida, Oklahoma, and Texas but my home is in Heaven. So the title of this post was originally Homeless? now its just Home? But I wanted to talk about the homeless a bit.

About 4 years ago I decided that if I ended up homeless then I'd be alright with that. I don't think I'd be homeless for longer than 6 months but then again I've never been homeless so I don't know what its like. Then when I was a freshmen I read an article put out by a Christian magazine for youth about a program college students in Seattle do. Its called Urban Plunge and for a few days regular students don some beat up clothes and make it through on an allowance of $2 homeless. They have no food and are dropped off in random parts of the city via a van. I wanted to do it to see how it goes but never was really motivated. Apparently many colleges have similar events. here's some links:
http://www.catholicnewworld.com/cnw/issue/urban_011605.html
http://www.spu.edu/ocm/plunge/plunge.asp
http://www.ncsu.edu/stud_orgs/hope/up.html
I'm not really going anywhere specific with this post, but I'd like to stay out some weekend coming up see how it is being homeless for a few days. Society forgets about you and even shuns you like the lepers of old. The real homeless pick up on it that you aren't like them.
One thing I wanted to mention though is that Christ would have been around the homeless lepers and that we, in a sense, without Christ are also homeless. How easy it would be for Christ to look at us and say, "I won't give anything to him; look at what he's done with his life, he's wasted it, and now he is looking for a handout. If I offered him money he'd probably squander it." Oh Christ is love though and how I love Him for that.
Dear Lord I pray for the homeless today and that you would offer them hope. I pray that Christians would take them in and offer them food and shelter. You sacrificed your life to give me a home in heaven, break my heart and humble me. I've taken pride and refuge in owning possessions. I've taken it for granted that I eat while millions are starving for bread as well as the Bread of Life. That while I drink many are without clean water and without your cup which overflows with blessings. Your love is for all peoples everywhere help me to love as you love. Help me sacrifice as you sacrificed use my life to be a blessing to others. Lord I love you.

Hmm... How I long to no longer have to deal with sin. Though sin has lost its clutch on me I still wander back aimlessly on my own will to visit it. Its doing pretty well I suppose. Its got its own room in my heart where it floats around. It feeds on my flesh like bacteria and has a pretty nice feast most days. About twice a week I actually struggle with sin though. I'd like to get this number up because usually I just let sin have its way in my heart. I've tried evicting it and it even seems successful but alas sin isn't gone very long. Sin always shortchanges me when it comes to rent, you'd think since I let him live there he'd give me something worthwhile but its like the more he gives the more he takes. Wherever I go sin is right along with me. I got a new heart a few years back but sin again found its way to it as well. Since day one I think sin has been trying to replace God. So I cry out God please rescue me from the sin I'm daily entangled in. Sometimes God answers most of the time he doesn't. God said that whenever I die though I can live in Heaven with Him, so in a way I'm ready to die. Today in my paper journal I wrote down the sins that I'm having adulterous relationships with. Unfortunately the list was quite long and man its going to stink to have to ask for forgiveness again. It won't be the first time but I wish it was the last. I've got to sharpen my mind to avoid the sin though and rely on God more. I pray Christ has paid my rent even though I shortchange Him. Not only that its like the more I give the more I take away. The "good" deeds I do is like spitting on Christ and putting Him to open shame. Two years ago pride wasn't something I prided myself in. Now I find myself insanely prideful. Christ you are more than enough for me and my follies. Will you have me back once again? I've chased other lovers and they left me empty and alone. Will you be there when I desire something less? Grab me by the throat and remind me, let me be victorious in evicting sin, chasten and discipline me when I run away from you. God make yourself my first love, I need your love daily.